2.18.11
Tonight, as I drove back to my parents house, in small town KS, I had the windows down, with the heater on, the radio was cranked, and the full moon lit my way home. It's true, these are the things that I love about Kansas, but this visit has been so amazingly different. I'm happy.
There was only one moment when I felt that sad tug at my heart. When I traveled to where I went to undergrad to visit my old professors and to chat with the last generation of theatre students I know, and also where the boy who shattered my heart still resides. But that tug quickly surged into warmth when I saw the faces of my old friends light up as I walked into their office/shop/hangout. Part of me, yes, hoped that I had run into the boy. To just smile and thank him and tell him I forgive him.
As I bring my trip home to a close, I realize that this has been the best trip back, probably since I left in 2005. Although I didn't get to see as many people as I had hoped, those that I did see mean the world to me. Granted, I did make a few poor choices, it reminded me how alive I am!
To be continued...
3.1.11
The reason this trip was so special, is because I think I've finally figured out:
Who I am.
What I want to do.
Where I need to be.
I went home because my mom was having surgery. Though I hate to see her in pain, I wanted to be there to help with whatever needed to get done. While at home, I got to see my girlfriends from high school. These girls...ugh...are my safety net. We've had our differences, and have been through some shit, but at the end of it all, we are real, true friends. Before, when I would go home, it was difficult because I was the only single one. It was difficult because they "have a husband to get back to" or "can't make it, cause the little one is sick". And before, I felt left behind. I had none of these things and every time I would go home, I wished I had what they had...the grass is always greener, I thought. But this time, I was not only grateful for what I had, where I'd been, where I'm going; this time I loved seeing them grow into these roles as; wives, mothers, students, career minded women. I guess I'm settling into my role as "Auntie J, who lives far away. But loves you dearly".
On top of settling into myself, I'm settling into Austin quite nicely. After only 5 short months in this fabulous city, I have or am:
Designed 2 shows
Helped a friend with another
Currently wardrobing on a film (which is a crazy new world)
Currently stitching at Ballet Austin
In addition to all of the wonderful plans we have for Sustainable Theatre Project, I'm staying pretty busy!
I feel very alive and blessed and myself.
