I've been censoring myself again on here...
But my head is full of thoughts and I want to get out. I feel that this is the best way for me to explain what I'm thinking, so the next few posts might be disconnected, incomplete thoughts.
I truly have nothing to complain about in my life.
I'm feeling alone but not the sad kind of alone...it's difficult to explain. And it's not that I feel alone in the sense that I don't have someone to talk to, because I know I do. But I feel alone in the fact that I feel that no one will understand me. Ever.
I enjoy the sound of nothing. Sometimes I like to sit in a quiet house with nothing but the thoughts in my head swirling about. I've liked this for as long as I can remember. I remember being about 8 years old, just sitting in my room and my mother asking what I was doing, probably thinking that I was up to no good, and I replied, "thinking". She thought this was hilarious, and of course I had no idea what was so funny.
I don't have many memories of my childhood, they are more like clips from movies, almost dream like. The colors are too vibrant and the people aren't people that I remember. And mostly these "memories" only come when jogged by an object, a photo, a story one of my family members would tell.
And I wonder if all of these things are related. That in some way, my enjoyment of feeling alone, in silence, has something to do with my childhood and the fact that I can't remember these things.
Today I took a nap, and had awful dreams...which is strange, because I remember when I was laying down on the verge of sleepdom, thinking how happy I was in this moment. I'm wondering if at some point my brain tried to remember the last time I was this happy and it couldn't so it went to all the places that made me so unhappy. The failed relationships, the missed connections of friends, these memories that I could no longer remember.
So I sit here, in silence, with nothing but the sound of my thoughts and my fingers on the keys and I think, "life is good. you're alive. this is what happiness feels like."
And then I wonder if I'm destined to be alone forever...
