It Seems as Though Blogging is OUT...

Forgive me bloggers, for I have failed you, it has been about 2 years since my last entry. I would like to say that it was because I was so busy living it up that I didn't have time to document...but the reality was that I was just fucking busy.

It's a new year...full of new life and rebirth and bullshit bullshit...
but continuing on my positive word mantra I add to the list:

2013:  Reflect & Relate
2012:  Focus & Motivation
2011:  Forgiveness & Love

A lot has changed. Correction, a lot about ME has changed. OR maybe nothings changed, I'm just aware?

It's going to take me some time to work up to sharing the most recent life changing event. I really was just checking to see if I could remember my password to this thing...see if anyone has anything awesome to share...

...and the answer is no...

Motivation 0, Procrastination 1,000,000,072

So, this motivation and focus thing was a great idea but christ...

I have been home from work for 3 hours and have:

-watched 3 episodes of Party Down
-made some kale chips (which took all of 15 minutes)
-checked facebook 27 times
-checked my email 6 times
-sent 19 text messages
-played with my dog

What I COULD have been doing:

-reading about Abe Lincoln
-painting or drawing
-laundry
-painting my nails
-looking up tasty veggie recipes
-crocheting or knitting

I really could have been doing anything, but no, I get sucked into the f*ing couch and can't move...I"m not even motivated enough to finish this blog...i keep getting distracted with silly things...

I DID manage to do may taxes before April 16th this year, but I'm very disappointed in the refund I'll be getting. But, after I file my 2009 taxes (yeah, I know) I'll have a nice little bit of cash to put into savings, should I ever need to catch a flight out of town.

I also ate meat...on day 5 (the superbowl and a certain boys 25th birthday). I ate bacon wrapped chicken covered in hot sauce...It tasted fine, but I feel guilty...

What else...OH! I'm going back to Montana. I know you are all surprised.

That's all for now...off to bed I go!

Two Thousand Fucking Twelve

Happy new year, fellow bloggers and blog readers!

It's been a few months...lots has changed...but I won't bore you with the details, here's the cliff notes:

-i really like my job
-i rescued a dog
-i got a new car
-i like a boy
-i really like myself

So, it's a new year which means new resolutions...this year, in addition to forgiveness and love, I've added motivation and focus...which i'm now initiating...this first day of february, 2012.

In addition to these inspirational words, i've decided to make a new resolution every month...January flew by so...I'm starting today!

This month, I vow to:

-Take the stairs, always
-Not eat meat, because I've realized I want to know where my food is coming from
-Focus on training this beast of a dog that I love more than anything
-Save money

I'm also going to have breakfast every Saturday morning out in public, whether it be with my favorite boy or by myself. I've realized that I would much rather spend my Friday and Saturday nights in and enjoy my Saturday and Sunday mornings NOT hung over, with great company or a book, and a great cup of coffee and just enjoy being alive.

I'm also going to say "NO" more. So don't take that personally....I often get invited to go somewhere or to do something that I don't want to do because i'm too tired or don't have the money for so, I'm just going to say no. AND not feel guilty about it.

Also, i'm going to blog more...but I still hate that word...blog...blah....ggggh

and Another Summer Ends...More New Beginnings

So...a week ago today, I:

- finished up my last load of laundry and packed
- cooked dinner with my house mates
- watched Anchor Man with a group of amazing new friends
- drank some whiskey, wine, and vodka
- and didn't want to go to sleep knowing in the morning i would have to leave

I know I've said this about a hundred times by know but, I love Whitefish, MT! It's probably the one place where I feel most like myself because I stop focusing on what people think of me, and just focus on me (for the most part). I feel very alive to have made some of the best friends of my life on top of a mountain so it made leaving this year harder than last year, and I imagine it will just keep getting harder the more I return.

So, last Tuesday, I left my summer family and drove 16 hours to Denver. Tears were shed along I-90 as I drove through the mountains and away from yet another memorable summer. I cried because I knew that it would be 42 weeks before I saw some of those people again. And then I cried harder because it might be longer before I saw some of them. And then I laughed when I thought of some of the crazy late nights that were had.

When I arrived to Denver, hugged my awesome cousin for 2 minutes, and crashed.

The next afternoon, I made the jaunt over to Perry, KS to see the family and some very special friends. And even though we don't speak often, when we get together, it's like time hasn't even passed. Except it has because we are all 10 years older and they've all grown into beautiful wives and mothers. I hung out with my niece, making her birthday cupcakes for her classmates. The next day, I had lunch with her at school and realized how much I was missing. My niece turned 9 in no time at all. All of my girlfriends have little ones that are growing up so quickly....

I am NOT 23 anymore...

This was a terribly frightening thing to discover this last Wednesday morning, when I woke up in my car, with it running, with the heat on...I know, I know what you're thinking. I'm not proud of this and actually quite embarrassed, but I thought I would share it anyways...part of growing up I guess...

A group of us went to karaoke, something that I would do nightly when I actually was 23. When I was 23 (and yes, it's weird to think that it was 6 years ago) my buddy AK and I would go to a different bar each night just for the karaoke, the summer after I graduated. Mostly to drink, we often sang, and find an after-party (usually one that we organized)...nightly. This, though it was extremely fun, was me probably at my absolute lowest point in life...I attribute this to being young, dumb and scared. This is a summer that I only remember when people remind me of a situation...this was a summer where I could drink an entire box of Franzia in one night, by myself...yeah.

So, something was triggered in my brain, to make me drink far too much too fast, dance obscenely on a stripper pole (clothes on, thank god)...maybe it was the terrible singing, or the "i'll buy this round, you buy the next round" but I just got ridiculous. Did I have fun, yes. Did it end in embarrassment, YES. Have I grown up, yes...barely.

When I was 23, the night usually ended around 5am, in tears, stumbling home soaking wet from swimming in some apartment pool until the sun began to rise. This last Wednesday, I am unclear of exactly when my night ended, due to an after "hang" (I only say hang because 4 people were present) but after checking the 76 odd texts I sent and received through my sunglasses then next morning, with probably the worst hangover I've ever had...I can almost piece together my evening...

WHEW....

Ok...so, just like last year, when I started this "blog" (sorry to those who read this often for the lack of updates) I was vowing to start anew. And I did! I moved to Austin to be with a group of friends that I value artistically, to help run a theatre company. In the mean time, I;

-met some pretty awesome people
-found some really great job opportunities
-finally let go of some unhealthy feelings for someone

And then I come back here, back to the place that put me in the right mindset to get back to just being and even MORE amazing things happen. I'm sad to say that I had to leave the theatre company I moved to Austin for, but for now it's what's right for me. Also, since being here, I had my motherboard in my computer replaced not once, but twice resulting in the loss of ALL of my data...BUT one really amazing woodwind playing friend also happens to be a computer genius found close to all of it and then some...and then, out of the blue I got a call from Ballet Austin, offering me a position in the costume shop?!?!?! Yeah...so you are now reading the blog of the new costume shop assistant/shoe manager at Ballet Austin!!! I'm going to get a salary and benefits and vacation...like a real adult!!

My mother always says, "everything happens for a reason"

So that's been my life, in a nutshell, thus far...i'll have more exciting things to write about soon...like blacking out on my birthday/opening night...

Back To Myself...Only Better

Whew...it's been a while. Things in my life have been pretty crazy as of late BUT I'm enjoying every second of it!

I'm back in Whitefish, MT where I first started finding myself again. And I must say that right now, this is the best place for me. I love Austin, but I'm so happy to be surrounded by indescribable beauty, wonderfully talented, passionate people.

Dreaming...with the intent to forget

I love dreaming.
I love waking up and remembering what I had dreamt, writing down the intricate details, people who were there, the colors involved, the point of view from which I'm seeing.
I love analyzing my dreams, and others dreams.
I love having a really great dream one night and then the next night, hoping to pick up where I left off.

Until recently. I've been dreaming of my ex, for quite some time now. Not every night, but enough to get me thinking and remembering a not so great relationship. Enough to ruin my day because the events in the dream cloud my reality.

Most of you know who I'm talking about. Those of you who read this and don't know, this man was the love of my life. The one person that I was able to see myself with in the future. And he shattered my heart. Into a million tiny pieces. But since then, about a year and a half ago, I've been putting the pieces back together, slowly but surely. And I'd have to say, I feel pretty great about who I've become with out him.

Until these dreams started. I'm sure it's just because of all the unanswered questions, that are just sitting on a shelf in my brain, never to get answered.

But I'm hoping it's my brain's way of purging all the negativity that surrounded the relationship and then after.

In these dreams, he just shows up. Sometimes its in Kansas, other times its in Boston, or Orlando, or Austin, but most recently it's been in Whitefish. He talks to all of my friends. We see eachother, and it's like the first time we saw eachother. And then he turns around and leaves. I start asking my friends what he said and where he was going. No one answers me or acts like they don't know what I"m talking about. And then I wake up. Feelings all these things I thought I had overcome.

When I try to analyze it, all I can think is, "this is how he entered and exited your life. what happened during wasn't important."

But I want a better answer.

I want to forget...

I want to move on...

Throwing Myself a Pity Party

Thank GOD for vodka...and sonic's diet cherry limeade.

I honestly can't tell if I'm slightly tipsy or just extremely tired.... I vote for the former.

I typically like spending quality time by myself. I do. But lately, I've been yearning for some human relations...not romantic...just some pseudo meaningful conversation. That DOESN'T have to do with theatre. Don't get me wrong, I love my art, and others art but I'm sick of the same hum-drum A/B dialogue.

A: "I saw your show. I thought it was fantastic!"
B: "Thanks. It was a great process."
A: "Very cool. What's next for you?"
B: "Oh, this thing with xyz theatre, what about you? What are you working on?"

When I asked someone the other night, "what's new with you?", they started to tell me about their next project and I said, "no, no. what's new in your LIFE?" And this stumped the person.

I know that at times, theatre consumes us...it consumes me. But I'd like to have a life in addition to that. But than again, I'm home. Alone. By myself. On a friday night, thinking of ways to make my life more exciting.

Here's to getting wasted...alone. Cheers!

The Sound of Silence

I've been censoring myself again on here...

But my head is full of thoughts and I want to get out. I feel that this is the best way for me to explain what I'm thinking, so the next few posts might be disconnected, incomplete thoughts.

I truly have nothing to complain about in my life.

I'm feeling alone but not the sad kind of alone...it's difficult to explain. And it's not that I feel alone in the sense that I don't have someone to talk to, because I know I do. But I feel alone in the fact that I feel that no one will understand me. Ever.

I enjoy the sound of nothing. Sometimes I like to sit in a quiet house with nothing but the thoughts in my head swirling about. I've liked this for as long as I can remember. I remember being about 8 years old, just sitting in my room and my mother asking what I was doing, probably thinking that I was up to no good, and I replied, "thinking". She thought this was hilarious, and of course I had no idea what was so funny.

I don't have many memories of my childhood, they are more like clips from movies, almost dream like. The colors are too vibrant and the people aren't people that I remember. And mostly these "memories" only come when jogged by an object, a photo, a story one of my family members would tell.

And I wonder if all of these things are related. That in some way, my enjoyment of feeling alone, in silence, has something to do with my childhood and the fact that I can't remember these things.

Today I took a nap, and had awful dreams...which is strange, because I remember when I was laying down on the verge of sleepdom, thinking how happy I was in this moment. I'm wondering if at some point my brain tried to remember the last time I was this happy and it couldn't so it went to all the places that made me so unhappy. The failed relationships, the missed connections of friends, these memories that I could no longer remember.

So I sit here, in silence, with nothing but the sound of my thoughts and my fingers on the keys and I think, "life is good. you're alive. this is what happiness feels like."

And then I wonder if I'm destined to be alone forever...

Look at the MOON!

2.18.11

Tonight, as I drove back to my parents house, in small town KS, I had the windows down, with the heater on, the radio was cranked, and the full moon lit my way home. It's true, these are the things that I love about Kansas, but this visit has been so amazingly different. I'm happy.

There was only one moment when I felt that sad tug at my heart. When I traveled to where I went to undergrad to visit my old professors and to chat with the last generation of theatre students I know, and also where the boy who shattered my heart still resides. But that tug quickly surged into warmth when I saw the faces of my old friends light up as I walked into their office/shop/hangout. Part of me, yes, hoped that I had run into the boy. To just smile and thank him and tell him I forgive him.

As I bring my trip home to a close, I realize that this has been the best trip back, probably since I left in 2005. Although I didn't get to see as many people as I had hoped, those that I did see mean the world to me. Granted, I did make a few poor choices, it reminded me how alive I am!

To be continued...

3.1.11

The reason this trip was so special, is because I think I've finally figured out:
Who I am.
What I want to do.
Where I need to be.

I went home because my mom was having surgery. Though I hate to see her in pain, I wanted to be there to help with whatever needed to get done. While at home, I got to see my girlfriends from high school. These girls...ugh...are my safety net. We've had our differences, and have been through some shit, but at the end of it all, we are real, true friends. Before, when I would go home, it was difficult because I was the only single one. It was difficult because they "have a husband to get back to" or "can't make it, cause the little one is sick". And before, I felt left behind. I had none of these things and every time I would go home, I wished I had what they had...the grass is always greener, I thought. But this time, I was not only grateful for what I had, where I'd been, where I'm going; this time I loved seeing them grow into these roles as; wives, mothers, students, career minded women. I guess I'm settling into my role as "Auntie J, who lives far away. But loves you dearly".

On top of settling into myself, I'm settling into Austin quite nicely. After only 5 short months in this fabulous city, I have or am:
Designed 2 shows
Helped a friend with another
Currently wardrobing on a film (which is a crazy new world)
Currently stitching at Ballet Austin

In addition to all of the wonderful plans we have for Sustainable Theatre Project, I'm staying pretty busy!

I feel very alive and blessed and myself.

$3500, 2 shows, review, theatre retreat, phew!

As a member of Austin's Sustainable Theatre Project, I must announce that we made our kickstarter goal of $3500. This was a huge triumph for all of us involved in STP...we are so thankful and grateful and humbled by all the support we got from our friends and fellow theatre makers, mentors and family members! Even a few strangers threw some cash into the pot, which was very exciting!!

So, I have successfully opened 2 shows in Austin. The first, Humble Boy, closed on Saturday. It was a sweet story with a wonderful cast and crew! Definitely people I want to work with in the future!

The second, Flying, opened Friday. It kicked of a New Russian Drama Festival. The playwright was here all the way from Moscow. It was a pretty awesome time! The cast was amazing and I'm so thrilled to have worked with everyone involved. If you are interested, here is the review:

http://www.austin360.com/blogs/content/shared-gen/blogs/austin/seeingthings/entries/2011/01/31/review_flyingnew_russian_festi.html

Amidst opening a show and closing a show, I attended the Austin New Works Collective retreat this weekend. It was the first time I got to put some faces with some names that I've only heard since I've been in town. It was a pretty great time to get to be in a room with people who literally paved the way for theatre artists in this town!

Well, that's about it for now. I"m sure I'll have something new to report now that I've got some spare time!

love 10 fold.

2011: a year of Forgiveness and Love

It's a new year!
For me, this means a new planner, which I've already jotted down every birthday I have in my brain.
A silly resolution like vowing to floss everyday.
A fresh outlook on life.

2010 had it's ups and downs.
I lost some loved ones.
I had my heart shattered into 1,000,000,000 pieces.

But...
I finished my masters.
I spent the summer in the most beautiful part of the country.
I met some amazingly wonderful, crazy beautiful new people.
I moved to a new city.

I always manage to do that, make the list of positives longer than the negatives...which is a sign that I'm feeling more like my old self, only new....
Wide-eyed, eager, positive, forgiving, loving.

So this year, my resolution is to forgive (I can't promise I can forget) and to love, not only others, but myself.
To remember to breath.
To remember, perfection is rarely attainable.

So, if you've hurt me in the past...I forgive you. And I hope anyone I've hurt can forgive me as well.

2011: Love 10 fold

Big Deals and Haircuts

Well, I need to be getting some work done but I felt the need to post a post...

I'm super insanely busy and I. LOVE. IT. I'm working for Ballet Austin, dressing the kiddos for the nutcracker. It's exhausting but really fun. Those little girls are a hoot! On each night there are about 22 Angels, 6 Mice, 24 Bon Bons and 8 Chinese...it gets a little crazy in that room, I must say.

I'm also designing a show called Humble Boy for Different Stages. It's a modern day Hamlet? It's been fun. The company is pretty laid back and seem to trust me, for some reason. I'm beginning to think that the MFA on my resume actually does mean something...

I'm designing another show, Flying, for Breaking Strings Theatre. The show is a North American Premiere and the playwright is coming...it's kind of a big deal. And I'm nervous...because I have that MFA on my resume...I've forgotten how much I love to collaborate with new people and share ideas, to create something so exciting for an audience!

Let's see...in the process of designing these shows and working at Ballet Austin, I've met so many awesome people! James Devery, who I met through the scenic designer of Flying, has basically changed my life. Not only by cutting off all my hair (which I LOVE) but introducing me to another fellow costume designer, Benjamin Taylor Ridgeway. He does AMAZING work and is styling the White Ghost Shivers for new years. They are opening for Cake AND...wait for it...the lead singer will be sporting a hat I made in grad school...this, is a pretty big deal!

I'm feeling so blessed to have met so many people in the past year, between Whitefish and Austin. It made all the negative feelings and thoughts I had in the first 5 months of 2010 almost disappear. So, for all of you that didn't support me, all I have to say is thank you, for pushing me into the lives of people that do.

Happy Holidays ya'll!!

A short update...

Well...

As most of you know, I've moved from the damn dudes. I instantly am 110% happier now. The energy in my new place is much more positive; my roommate, Cate, recycles...EVERYTHING! it's amazing how little waste we create when we sort everything out. We have a compost heap. We both like: to cook, theatre, coffee shops.

I'm designing 2 shows, both of which open in January. I'm nervous. I didn't realize how not confident I am in myself...but I'm working on that. I blame grad school.

I got a free acupuncture treatment to help me stop smoking. It was pretty interesting, AND I'm day 3 smoke free...Definitely something I'll do in the future, acupuncture, that is...not smoke (I hope).

I've also decided to run the Austin half marathon in February! I'm not prepared, yet...but working my way there slowly. I can no run 1 mile without stopping...today i will try to do 1.5 miles...

I'm nearly happy...

Tights aren't pants...

I'm sitting in a coffee shop, trying to read a script.
In walks a girl wearing tights as pants.
She's short, mildly fit, not really my cup of tea, but she turns heads...I envy her.
Her long, brown hair that's braided to one side, her confidence to wear tights as pants, even though I can see her dimpled ass through the tights as pants because the sweater she's sporting shows off her less than tight tummy.
She sits with the dreamy barista, outside, sucking on her pall mall, sipping her coffee; as I sit alone, inside, reading my script and sipping my now cold coffee

costumes, fleas, homesick disease

I recently booked a job at Ballet Austin. Exciting stuff, I'll be dressing 44 6-16 year olds for the Nutcraker for the month of December. I applied to a local store, Lucy in Disguise, a costume house. It was a cattle call of sorts for their busiest month, October. I stood in a line for about 30 minutes until I worked my way to the front of the line for an interview lasting all of 7 minutes. While in said line, I was surrounded by dorks. Not your run of the mill dorks, the kind that dress up for things other than theatrical productions and halloween. The kind that live and breathe comic books. I was embarrassed to say the least. During my interview, I was annoyed. To have stood in a line with such nerds, holding my resume that states I have a masters in costume design and production, and then to be asked what I dressed as for halloween last year. Which I responded, "I didn't, my grandfather died." Awesome, right? I later received a recorded message saying they wouldn't be needing me because there were more people that interviewed who had more costume experience than me...?????

In other news...I'm living with fleas, literally. Yet another reason I will be moving out at the end of October. I even passed fleas to my friends...thats embarrassing AND disgusting. The damn dude is shaping up to be quite the douche bag. In the last, what, 3 weeks, he has;
-wired 200$ to the Philippines for god knows what reasons
-asked me to move my art out of the shared living space
-moved my things, without asking first
-locked me out of the house.
I know what you are all thinking, and yes, I've learned a very valuable lesson. But we all need an adventure right?

Which brings me to my latest conundrum, I'm homesick. But, upon further analysis and much thought, I've realized, I don't have a home. There are things that I miss about every place I've lived.
I miss Kansas because I miss my family and friends.
I miss Boston because I miss my friends and the sleepless nights that were never spent alone. I miss the stale air of the costume shop and smoking on the fire escape. I miss the public transit and my therapist.
I miss Chicago because I miss having a mindless job and people that would drink with me until 4 in the morning and then go to breakfast with me. I miss the crisp air and the walk to the bus stop.
I miss Whitefish because I miss the clean air. I miss that there was always something to do and someone to talk to.
I miss Orlando because I miss...well....
But I wouldn't consider any of these places home...I don't know.

I've been having a really hard time as of late, looking to the future. Instead, I keep thinking where I was a year ago, and the year before that, and how I've experienced so much. Yet, I keep dwelling, but not in a regret sort of way....I keep thinking of how things could be different or maybe not at all. I have just never been able to look into the future, to plan out my life events. I've never been able to say, "In ten years I see myself with x, y and z." I'm just living life, planning what little I know and just letting the rest happen, all the while thinking of the events in my past that have brought me to where I am today...

That said, it's time for bed

Yellow lighters, miles. Boxes and dudes

What a freaking crazy week!

While I was in Ks, I was asked to write about my "yellow lighter theory" on life...It went something like, "add a sentence, pass it on"...I know, right?! I wish I could remember said theory, I'm sure I could live by it now if I could grasp what my drunken, drug induced self meant so many years ago. If it comes to me, I'll be sure to post again.

I lured my dear dear friend Matty P to help me drive to Austin...it was work. Loading the truck, driving straight through, arriving to Austin w/out a key to my new place, driving around aimlessly to kill time...good grief. I'm not sure if any of you know, but I found my roommate/house on craigslist. I found the listing while in Montana and what caught my eye was the dudes description of himself, "I"m just a damn dude, who likes to watch sports, fish, and drink beer." I thought that even if I didn't get a roommate out of the situation, that I wanted to meet this guy...so I did, and I'm now living with him. Boy, is he just that...a damn dude.

I imagine that this will be very short lived...he'll either get sick of me and kick me out or I'll go ape shit on him and leave. That's the beauty, I suppose, about this living situation is that I DIDN'T SIGN A LEASE!
-He has asked me 3 time already, what I was going to do with the boxes in the living room...I've been here 3 days, AND I told him it would take me a while to figure out where I was going to store my life in the tiny room I'm now renting for 585$ a month.
-He also didn't have a key made for me until yesterday (Sunday) even though he's known I was moving in for more than a month, paid rent AND he cashed my check.
-He also has sports radio on 24/7...and not quietly AND leaves it on when he's not home.
-He doesn't have cable but told me I couldn't put my TV in the living room because he's 'planning' on getting a plasma.
-He doesn't have a car...
-He drinks fatty natty's
-He can not hold a conversation of any sorts
-He goes to bed late, and wakes up late

There you go, Matty. My first blog about the damn dude...I'm sure there will be more to come

Just to Clarify...

I think Kansas is a great place to grow up and to raise a family. I just don't have one so, this is not where I belong right now.

That is all...

Love/Hate for Kansas

I've been avoiding posting anything since I first arrived in Kansas on Aug 24th, because I don't know where to start.

As I drove from Montana to Texas, I had a lot of time to reflect. I looked at the road ahead of me and at times, it seemed so familiar, as if I had taken this path before. Almost deja vu like. As I looked in my rear-view mirror, I was reminded of how I got here, of who I once was, and tried to piece my life together. I don't know if you know this but the drive from Whitefish to Austin is 33 hours not counting the stop time. That is a lot of time to be with yourself overanalyzing every point in your life. Most of you don't know I spent the first 4.5 months of 2010 in therapy...I'll hopefully get to all of this... eventually.

The drive of Texas to Kansas was the opposite...it was a road I had traveled. When I crossed over the state line, I felt my chest tighten, a wash of emotion pour over me. That hot feeling I get under my skin when I start to panic, was mixed with the excessive wetness in my mouth right before I throw up. I was instantly terrified. Of who I would see while I was back and what we would have to talk about. I began imagining myself having that awkward conversation and actually practicing my dialogue, my expressions and reactions, my fake smile. I was grateful that while I was here in June that I didn't have to endure this feeling. I was home literally long enough to pick up my car and go to the dentist. But this time, these couple of weeks, was enough time for people to hear that I was back and for me to have to make plans. Enough time to remind me what I loved about it and why I wanted to leave in the first place 5 short years ago...

What I love about KS:
- being able to lay in my parents driveway and see every star the sky has to offer
- the smell of the sweet corn when it's damp with dew at dusk
- driving my car with the heater on and the windows down and the music up
- the sound of the locusts and crickets in the distance
- the moon being full and its ability to cast shadows it's so bright
- seeing my family and realizing that just because i'm home doesn't change their plans

What I hate:
- the anxious feeling i stated above
- the amount of bad memories i have that seem to resurface every time i come back
- people driving by my parents house or stopping by because they realize i'm home, AND THEN, driving to the gas station/post office/grocery store to spread the scoop
- feeling like I'm a failure because I don't come home with a baby or a boyfriend
- feeling so alone all the time because i'm the only one still single and nearly 30
- making my parents feel terrible while they watch me be miserable
- that this doesn't feel like home anymore

So that's it...Kansas puts me in a funk, every time I'm back and it seems to be getting worse the older i get and longer i'm here