The Sound of Silence

I've been censoring myself again on here...

But my head is full of thoughts and I want to get out. I feel that this is the best way for me to explain what I'm thinking, so the next few posts might be disconnected, incomplete thoughts.

I truly have nothing to complain about in my life.

I'm feeling alone but not the sad kind of alone...it's difficult to explain. And it's not that I feel alone in the sense that I don't have someone to talk to, because I know I do. But I feel alone in the fact that I feel that no one will understand me. Ever.

I enjoy the sound of nothing. Sometimes I like to sit in a quiet house with nothing but the thoughts in my head swirling about. I've liked this for as long as I can remember. I remember being about 8 years old, just sitting in my room and my mother asking what I was doing, probably thinking that I was up to no good, and I replied, "thinking". She thought this was hilarious, and of course I had no idea what was so funny.

I don't have many memories of my childhood, they are more like clips from movies, almost dream like. The colors are too vibrant and the people aren't people that I remember. And mostly these "memories" only come when jogged by an object, a photo, a story one of my family members would tell.

And I wonder if all of these things are related. That in some way, my enjoyment of feeling alone, in silence, has something to do with my childhood and the fact that I can't remember these things.

Today I took a nap, and had awful dreams...which is strange, because I remember when I was laying down on the verge of sleepdom, thinking how happy I was in this moment. I'm wondering if at some point my brain tried to remember the last time I was this happy and it couldn't so it went to all the places that made me so unhappy. The failed relationships, the missed connections of friends, these memories that I could no longer remember.

So I sit here, in silence, with nothing but the sound of my thoughts and my fingers on the keys and I think, "life is good. you're alive. this is what happiness feels like."

And then I wonder if I'm destined to be alone forever...

Look at the MOON!

2.18.11

Tonight, as I drove back to my parents house, in small town KS, I had the windows down, with the heater on, the radio was cranked, and the full moon lit my way home. It's true, these are the things that I love about Kansas, but this visit has been so amazingly different. I'm happy.

There was only one moment when I felt that sad tug at my heart. When I traveled to where I went to undergrad to visit my old professors and to chat with the last generation of theatre students I know, and also where the boy who shattered my heart still resides. But that tug quickly surged into warmth when I saw the faces of my old friends light up as I walked into their office/shop/hangout. Part of me, yes, hoped that I had run into the boy. To just smile and thank him and tell him I forgive him.

As I bring my trip home to a close, I realize that this has been the best trip back, probably since I left in 2005. Although I didn't get to see as many people as I had hoped, those that I did see mean the world to me. Granted, I did make a few poor choices, it reminded me how alive I am!

To be continued...

3.1.11

The reason this trip was so special, is because I think I've finally figured out:
Who I am.
What I want to do.
Where I need to be.

I went home because my mom was having surgery. Though I hate to see her in pain, I wanted to be there to help with whatever needed to get done. While at home, I got to see my girlfriends from high school. These girls...ugh...are my safety net. We've had our differences, and have been through some shit, but at the end of it all, we are real, true friends. Before, when I would go home, it was difficult because I was the only single one. It was difficult because they "have a husband to get back to" or "can't make it, cause the little one is sick". And before, I felt left behind. I had none of these things and every time I would go home, I wished I had what they had...the grass is always greener, I thought. But this time, I was not only grateful for what I had, where I'd been, where I'm going; this time I loved seeing them grow into these roles as; wives, mothers, students, career minded women. I guess I'm settling into my role as "Auntie J, who lives far away. But loves you dearly".

On top of settling into myself, I'm settling into Austin quite nicely. After only 5 short months in this fabulous city, I have or am:
Designed 2 shows
Helped a friend with another
Currently wardrobing on a film (which is a crazy new world)
Currently stitching at Ballet Austin

In addition to all of the wonderful plans we have for Sustainable Theatre Project, I'm staying pretty busy!

I feel very alive and blessed and myself.

$3500, 2 shows, review, theatre retreat, phew!

As a member of Austin's Sustainable Theatre Project, I must announce that we made our kickstarter goal of $3500. This was a huge triumph for all of us involved in STP...we are so thankful and grateful and humbled by all the support we got from our friends and fellow theatre makers, mentors and family members! Even a few strangers threw some cash into the pot, which was very exciting!!

So, I have successfully opened 2 shows in Austin. The first, Humble Boy, closed on Saturday. It was a sweet story with a wonderful cast and crew! Definitely people I want to work with in the future!

The second, Flying, opened Friday. It kicked of a New Russian Drama Festival. The playwright was here all the way from Moscow. It was a pretty awesome time! The cast was amazing and I'm so thrilled to have worked with everyone involved. If you are interested, here is the review:

http://www.austin360.com/blogs/content/shared-gen/blogs/austin/seeingthings/entries/2011/01/31/review_flyingnew_russian_festi.html

Amidst opening a show and closing a show, I attended the Austin New Works Collective retreat this weekend. It was the first time I got to put some faces with some names that I've only heard since I've been in town. It was a pretty great time to get to be in a room with people who literally paved the way for theatre artists in this town!

Well, that's about it for now. I"m sure I'll have something new to report now that I've got some spare time!

love 10 fold.

2011: a year of Forgiveness and Love

It's a new year!
For me, this means a new planner, which I've already jotted down every birthday I have in my brain.
A silly resolution like vowing to floss everyday.
A fresh outlook on life.

2010 had it's ups and downs.
I lost some loved ones.
I had my heart shattered into 1,000,000,000 pieces.

But...
I finished my masters.
I spent the summer in the most beautiful part of the country.
I met some amazingly wonderful, crazy beautiful new people.
I moved to a new city.

I always manage to do that, make the list of positives longer than the negatives...which is a sign that I'm feeling more like my old self, only new....
Wide-eyed, eager, positive, forgiving, loving.

So this year, my resolution is to forgive (I can't promise I can forget) and to love, not only others, but myself.
To remember to breath.
To remember, perfection is rarely attainable.

So, if you've hurt me in the past...I forgive you. And I hope anyone I've hurt can forgive me as well.

2011: Love 10 fold

Big Deals and Haircuts

Well, I need to be getting some work done but I felt the need to post a post...

I'm super insanely busy and I. LOVE. IT. I'm working for Ballet Austin, dressing the kiddos for the nutcracker. It's exhausting but really fun. Those little girls are a hoot! On each night there are about 22 Angels, 6 Mice, 24 Bon Bons and 8 Chinese...it gets a little crazy in that room, I must say.

I'm also designing a show called Humble Boy for Different Stages. It's a modern day Hamlet? It's been fun. The company is pretty laid back and seem to trust me, for some reason. I'm beginning to think that the MFA on my resume actually does mean something...

I'm designing another show, Flying, for Breaking Strings Theatre. The show is a North American Premiere and the playwright is coming...it's kind of a big deal. And I'm nervous...because I have that MFA on my resume...I've forgotten how much I love to collaborate with new people and share ideas, to create something so exciting for an audience!

Let's see...in the process of designing these shows and working at Ballet Austin, I've met so many awesome people! James Devery, who I met through the scenic designer of Flying, has basically changed my life. Not only by cutting off all my hair (which I LOVE) but introducing me to another fellow costume designer, Benjamin Taylor Ridgeway. He does AMAZING work and is styling the White Ghost Shivers for new years. They are opening for Cake AND...wait for it...the lead singer will be sporting a hat I made in grad school...this, is a pretty big deal!

I'm feeling so blessed to have met so many people in the past year, between Whitefish and Austin. It made all the negative feelings and thoughts I had in the first 5 months of 2010 almost disappear. So, for all of you that didn't support me, all I have to say is thank you, for pushing me into the lives of people that do.

Happy Holidays ya'll!!

A short update...

Well...

As most of you know, I've moved from the damn dudes. I instantly am 110% happier now. The energy in my new place is much more positive; my roommate, Cate, recycles...EVERYTHING! it's amazing how little waste we create when we sort everything out. We have a compost heap. We both like: to cook, theatre, coffee shops.

I'm designing 2 shows, both of which open in January. I'm nervous. I didn't realize how not confident I am in myself...but I'm working on that. I blame grad school.

I got a free acupuncture treatment to help me stop smoking. It was pretty interesting, AND I'm day 3 smoke free...Definitely something I'll do in the future, acupuncture, that is...not smoke (I hope).

I've also decided to run the Austin half marathon in February! I'm not prepared, yet...but working my way there slowly. I can no run 1 mile without stopping...today i will try to do 1.5 miles...

I'm nearly happy...

Tights aren't pants...

I'm sitting in a coffee shop, trying to read a script.
In walks a girl wearing tights as pants.
She's short, mildly fit, not really my cup of tea, but she turns heads...I envy her.
Her long, brown hair that's braided to one side, her confidence to wear tights as pants, even though I can see her dimpled ass through the tights as pants because the sweater she's sporting shows off her less than tight tummy.
She sits with the dreamy barista, outside, sucking on her pall mall, sipping her coffee; as I sit alone, inside, reading my script and sipping my now cold coffee