Dreaming...with the intent to forget

I love dreaming.
I love waking up and remembering what I had dreamt, writing down the intricate details, people who were there, the colors involved, the point of view from which I'm seeing.
I love analyzing my dreams, and others dreams.
I love having a really great dream one night and then the next night, hoping to pick up where I left off.

Until recently. I've been dreaming of my ex, for quite some time now. Not every night, but enough to get me thinking and remembering a not so great relationship. Enough to ruin my day because the events in the dream cloud my reality.

Most of you know who I'm talking about. Those of you who read this and don't know, this man was the love of my life. The one person that I was able to see myself with in the future. And he shattered my heart. Into a million tiny pieces. But since then, about a year and a half ago, I've been putting the pieces back together, slowly but surely. And I'd have to say, I feel pretty great about who I've become with out him.

Until these dreams started. I'm sure it's just because of all the unanswered questions, that are just sitting on a shelf in my brain, never to get answered.

But I'm hoping it's my brain's way of purging all the negativity that surrounded the relationship and then after.

In these dreams, he just shows up. Sometimes its in Kansas, other times its in Boston, or Orlando, or Austin, but most recently it's been in Whitefish. He talks to all of my friends. We see eachother, and it's like the first time we saw eachother. And then he turns around and leaves. I start asking my friends what he said and where he was going. No one answers me or acts like they don't know what I"m talking about. And then I wake up. Feelings all these things I thought I had overcome.

When I try to analyze it, all I can think is, "this is how he entered and exited your life. what happened during wasn't important."

But I want a better answer.

I want to forget...

I want to move on...

Throwing Myself a Pity Party

Thank GOD for vodka...and sonic's diet cherry limeade.

I honestly can't tell if I'm slightly tipsy or just extremely tired.... I vote for the former.

I typically like spending quality time by myself. I do. But lately, I've been yearning for some human relations...not romantic...just some pseudo meaningful conversation. That DOESN'T have to do with theatre. Don't get me wrong, I love my art, and others art but I'm sick of the same hum-drum A/B dialogue.

A: "I saw your show. I thought it was fantastic!"
B: "Thanks. It was a great process."
A: "Very cool. What's next for you?"
B: "Oh, this thing with xyz theatre, what about you? What are you working on?"

When I asked someone the other night, "what's new with you?", they started to tell me about their next project and I said, "no, no. what's new in your LIFE?" And this stumped the person.

I know that at times, theatre consumes us...it consumes me. But I'd like to have a life in addition to that. But than again, I'm home. Alone. By myself. On a friday night, thinking of ways to make my life more exciting.

Here's to getting wasted...alone. Cheers!