What a freaking crazy week!
While I was in Ks, I was asked to write about my "yellow lighter theory" on life...It went something like, "add a sentence, pass it on"...I know, right?! I wish I could remember said theory, I'm sure I could live by it now if I could grasp what my drunken, drug induced self meant so many years ago. If it comes to me, I'll be sure to post again.
I lured my dear dear friend Matty P to help me drive to Austin...it was work. Loading the truck, driving straight through, arriving to Austin w/out a key to my new place, driving around aimlessly to kill time...good grief. I'm not sure if any of you know, but I found my roommate/house on craigslist. I found the listing while in Montana and what caught my eye was the dudes description of himself, "I"m just a damn dude, who likes to watch sports, fish, and drink beer." I thought that even if I didn't get a roommate out of the situation, that I wanted to meet this guy...so I did, and I'm now living with him. Boy, is he just that...a damn dude.
I imagine that this will be very short lived...he'll either get sick of me and kick me out or I'll go ape shit on him and leave. That's the beauty, I suppose, about this living situation is that I DIDN'T SIGN A LEASE!
-He has asked me 3 time already, what I was going to do with the boxes in the living room...I've been here 3 days, AND I told him it would take me a while to figure out where I was going to store my life in the tiny room I'm now renting for 585$ a month.
-He also didn't have a key made for me until yesterday (Sunday) even though he's known I was moving in for more than a month, paid rent AND he cashed my check.
-He also has sports radio on 24/7...and not quietly AND leaves it on when he's not home.
-He doesn't have cable but told me I couldn't put my TV in the living room because he's 'planning' on getting a plasma.
-He doesn't have a car...
-He drinks fatty natty's
-He can not hold a conversation of any sorts
-He goes to bed late, and wakes up late
There you go, Matty. My first blog about the damn dude...I'm sure there will be more to come
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Just to Clarify...
I think Kansas is a great place to grow up and to raise a family. I just don't have one so, this is not where I belong right now.
That is all...
That is all...
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Love/Hate for Kansas
I've been avoiding posting anything since I first arrived in Kansas on Aug 24th, because I don't know where to start.
As I drove from Montana to Texas, I had a lot of time to reflect. I looked at the road ahead of me and at times, it seemed so familiar, as if I had taken this path before. Almost deja vu like. As I looked in my rear-view mirror, I was reminded of how I got here, of who I once was, and tried to piece my life together. I don't know if you know this but the drive from Whitefish to Austin is 33 hours not counting the stop time. That is a lot of time to be with yourself overanalyzing every point in your life. Most of you don't know I spent the first 4.5 months of 2010 in therapy...I'll hopefully get to all of this... eventually.
The drive of Texas to Kansas was the opposite...it was a road I had traveled. When I crossed over the state line, I felt my chest tighten, a wash of emotion pour over me. That hot feeling I get under my skin when I start to panic, was mixed with the excessive wetness in my mouth right before I throw up. I was instantly terrified. Of who I would see while I was back and what we would have to talk about. I began imagining myself having that awkward conversation and actually practicing my dialogue, my expressions and reactions, my fake smile. I was grateful that while I was here in June that I didn't have to endure this feeling. I was home literally long enough to pick up my car and go to the dentist. But this time, these couple of weeks, was enough time for people to hear that I was back and for me to have to make plans. Enough time to remind me what I loved about it and why I wanted to leave in the first place 5 short years ago...
What I love about KS:
- being able to lay in my parents driveway and see every star the sky has to offer
- the smell of the sweet corn when it's damp with dew at dusk
- driving my car with the heater on and the windows down and the music up
- the sound of the locusts and crickets in the distance
- the moon being full and its ability to cast shadows it's so bright
- seeing my family and realizing that just because i'm home doesn't change their plans
What I hate:
- the anxious feeling i stated above
- the amount of bad memories i have that seem to resurface every time i come back
- people driving by my parents house or stopping by because they realize i'm home, AND THEN, driving to the gas station/post office/grocery store to spread the scoop
- feeling like I'm a failure because I don't come home with a baby or a boyfriend
- feeling so alone all the time because i'm the only one still single and nearly 30
- making my parents feel terrible while they watch me be miserable
- that this doesn't feel like home anymore
So that's it...Kansas puts me in a funk, every time I'm back and it seems to be getting worse the older i get and longer i'm here
As I drove from Montana to Texas, I had a lot of time to reflect. I looked at the road ahead of me and at times, it seemed so familiar, as if I had taken this path before. Almost deja vu like. As I looked in my rear-view mirror, I was reminded of how I got here, of who I once was, and tried to piece my life together. I don't know if you know this but the drive from Whitefish to Austin is 33 hours not counting the stop time. That is a lot of time to be with yourself overanalyzing every point in your life. Most of you don't know I spent the first 4.5 months of 2010 in therapy...I'll hopefully get to all of this... eventually.
The drive of Texas to Kansas was the opposite...it was a road I had traveled. When I crossed over the state line, I felt my chest tighten, a wash of emotion pour over me. That hot feeling I get under my skin when I start to panic, was mixed with the excessive wetness in my mouth right before I throw up. I was instantly terrified. Of who I would see while I was back and what we would have to talk about. I began imagining myself having that awkward conversation and actually practicing my dialogue, my expressions and reactions, my fake smile. I was grateful that while I was here in June that I didn't have to endure this feeling. I was home literally long enough to pick up my car and go to the dentist. But this time, these couple of weeks, was enough time for people to hear that I was back and for me to have to make plans. Enough time to remind me what I loved about it and why I wanted to leave in the first place 5 short years ago...
What I love about KS:
- being able to lay in my parents driveway and see every star the sky has to offer
- the smell of the sweet corn when it's damp with dew at dusk
- driving my car with the heater on and the windows down and the music up
- the sound of the locusts and crickets in the distance
- the moon being full and its ability to cast shadows it's so bright
- seeing my family and realizing that just because i'm home doesn't change their plans
What I hate:
- the anxious feeling i stated above
- the amount of bad memories i have that seem to resurface every time i come back
- people driving by my parents house or stopping by because they realize i'm home, AND THEN, driving to the gas station/post office/grocery store to spread the scoop
- feeling like I'm a failure because I don't come home with a baby or a boyfriend
- feeling so alone all the time because i'm the only one still single and nearly 30
- making my parents feel terrible while they watch me be miserable
- that this doesn't feel like home anymore
So that's it...Kansas puts me in a funk, every time I'm back and it seems to be getting worse the older i get and longer i'm here
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