I've been avoiding posting anything since I first arrived in Kansas on Aug 24th, because I don't know where to start.
As I drove from Montana to Texas, I had a lot of time to reflect. I looked at the road ahead of me and at times, it seemed so familiar, as if I had taken this path before. Almost deja vu like. As I looked in my rear-view mirror, I was reminded of how I got here, of who I once was, and tried to piece my life together. I don't know if you know this but the drive from Whitefish to Austin is 33 hours not counting the stop time. That is a lot of time to be with yourself overanalyzing every point in your life. Most of you don't know I spent the first 4.5 months of 2010 in therapy...I'll hopefully get to all of this... eventually.
The drive of Texas to Kansas was the opposite...it was a road I had traveled. When I crossed over the state line, I felt my chest tighten, a wash of emotion pour over me. That hot feeling I get under my skin when I start to panic, was mixed with the excessive wetness in my mouth right before I throw up. I was instantly terrified. Of who I would see while I was back and what we would have to talk about. I began imagining myself having that awkward conversation and actually practicing my dialogue, my expressions and reactions, my fake smile. I was grateful that while I was here in June that I didn't have to endure this feeling. I was home literally long enough to pick up my car and go to the dentist. But this time, these couple of weeks, was enough time for people to hear that I was back and for me to have to make plans. Enough time to remind me what I loved about it and why I wanted to leave in the first place 5 short years ago...
What I love about KS:
- being able to lay in my parents driveway and see every star the sky has to offer
- the smell of the sweet corn when it's damp with dew at dusk
- driving my car with the heater on and the windows down and the music up
- the sound of the locusts and crickets in the distance
- the moon being full and its ability to cast shadows it's so bright
- seeing my family and realizing that just because i'm home doesn't change their plans
What I hate:
- the anxious feeling i stated above
- the amount of bad memories i have that seem to resurface every time i come back
- people driving by my parents house or stopping by because they realize i'm home, AND THEN, driving to the gas station/post office/grocery store to spread the scoop
- feeling like I'm a failure because I don't come home with a baby or a boyfriend
- feeling so alone all the time because i'm the only one still single and nearly 30
- making my parents feel terrible while they watch me be miserable
- that this doesn't feel like home anymore
So that's it...Kansas puts me in a funk, every time I'm back and it seems to be getting worse the older i get and longer i'm here
Remind me to play you a song when you get here... and chin up friend. You're pretty fucking cool.
ReplyDeleteThis happened to me when I came back last year. The feeling of being a different person, wondering if you really are a different person or if you were just in a different place, the idea that one really can't go home again. And, after I left Fayetteville, I went back once with the intention of hanging out for a day after I was done with business. Then, I got out of the dentist's office, went to campus and was just overcome with this feeling that I didn't belong there. So, I left. I know a few people younger than you working on divorce number two. I agree with Derek.
ReplyDeleteCome out here and walk the hills with me before you leave. We can drink whiskey and be warmed by the sun as I listen to you describe the things you'll see on your way away from here.
ReplyDeletei know you have bad memories in kansas, but all my memories of you are in kansas, and they are good ones. There are people who love you in kansas and think that you're awesome...and you're not the only one nearing 30 without a boyfriend, sure i'm younger, but talk to me in a few years and see if anything's changed, i bet not...for you, maybe.
ReplyDeleteI like the writing Jamie
ReplyDeleteI enjoy reading your blog Jamie, you have a nice flow when you write. I can even relate to your message...maybe because we come from the same place;) When I go home it is a bit like a time warp. I revert back to a previous me and I am the only thing that hasn't been allowed to change.. A bit like a bad dream.. Every experience conjures memories of childhood and I am saddled with internal dialogue over who I used to be, who I have become, how did I end up where/ who I am today, where the hell am I going, and who am I letting down. Family and Friends have new lives, new families,new routines and are happy to make time but feel strangely distant... like our paths split years ago (they did) only I am still standing at that fork in the road. BUT>>> the truth is I just took my own route to find me. Its not right or wrong it just is. Some choices I have made I would make different given a chance but most I would not. Im not sure why I am trying to convince you, but I (whom you haven't seen but briefly since high-school) think you are probably alright. Maybe even great! Kansas just has a way of making us a little neurotic... the true sentiment behind "there is no place like home"... Oh, and you are deff. not the only one still single and nearly 30.... there is a whole world of us out there... just probably not in Perry.
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