I am NOT 23 anymore...

This was a terribly frightening thing to discover this last Wednesday morning, when I woke up in my car, with it running, with the heat on...I know, I know what you're thinking. I'm not proud of this and actually quite embarrassed, but I thought I would share it anyways...part of growing up I guess...

A group of us went to karaoke, something that I would do nightly when I actually was 23. When I was 23 (and yes, it's weird to think that it was 6 years ago) my buddy AK and I would go to a different bar each night just for the karaoke, the summer after I graduated. Mostly to drink, we often sang, and find an after-party (usually one that we organized)...nightly. This, though it was extremely fun, was me probably at my absolute lowest point in life...I attribute this to being young, dumb and scared. This is a summer that I only remember when people remind me of a situation...this was a summer where I could drink an entire box of Franzia in one night, by myself...yeah.

So, something was triggered in my brain, to make me drink far too much too fast, dance obscenely on a stripper pole (clothes on, thank god)...maybe it was the terrible singing, or the "i'll buy this round, you buy the next round" but I just got ridiculous. Did I have fun, yes. Did it end in embarrassment, YES. Have I grown up, yes...barely.

When I was 23, the night usually ended around 5am, in tears, stumbling home soaking wet from swimming in some apartment pool until the sun began to rise. This last Wednesday, I am unclear of exactly when my night ended, due to an after "hang" (I only say hang because 4 people were present) but after checking the 76 odd texts I sent and received through my sunglasses then next morning, with probably the worst hangover I've ever had...I can almost piece together my evening...

WHEW....

Ok...so, just like last year, when I started this "blog" (sorry to those who read this often for the lack of updates) I was vowing to start anew. And I did! I moved to Austin to be with a group of friends that I value artistically, to help run a theatre company. In the mean time, I;

-met some pretty awesome people
-found some really great job opportunities
-finally let go of some unhealthy feelings for someone

And then I come back here, back to the place that put me in the right mindset to get back to just being and even MORE amazing things happen. I'm sad to say that I had to leave the theatre company I moved to Austin for, but for now it's what's right for me. Also, since being here, I had my motherboard in my computer replaced not once, but twice resulting in the loss of ALL of my data...BUT one really amazing woodwind playing friend also happens to be a computer genius found close to all of it and then some...and then, out of the blue I got a call from Ballet Austin, offering me a position in the costume shop?!?!?! Yeah...so you are now reading the blog of the new costume shop assistant/shoe manager at Ballet Austin!!! I'm going to get a salary and benefits and vacation...like a real adult!!

My mother always says, "everything happens for a reason"

So that's been my life, in a nutshell, thus far...i'll have more exciting things to write about soon...like blacking out on my birthday/opening night...

Back To Myself...Only Better

Whew...it's been a while. Things in my life have been pretty crazy as of late BUT I'm enjoying every second of it!

I'm back in Whitefish, MT where I first started finding myself again. And I must say that right now, this is the best place for me. I love Austin, but I'm so happy to be surrounded by indescribable beauty, wonderfully talented, passionate people.

Dreaming...with the intent to forget

I love dreaming.
I love waking up and remembering what I had dreamt, writing down the intricate details, people who were there, the colors involved, the point of view from which I'm seeing.
I love analyzing my dreams, and others dreams.
I love having a really great dream one night and then the next night, hoping to pick up where I left off.

Until recently. I've been dreaming of my ex, for quite some time now. Not every night, but enough to get me thinking and remembering a not so great relationship. Enough to ruin my day because the events in the dream cloud my reality.

Most of you know who I'm talking about. Those of you who read this and don't know, this man was the love of my life. The one person that I was able to see myself with in the future. And he shattered my heart. Into a million tiny pieces. But since then, about a year and a half ago, I've been putting the pieces back together, slowly but surely. And I'd have to say, I feel pretty great about who I've become with out him.

Until these dreams started. I'm sure it's just because of all the unanswered questions, that are just sitting on a shelf in my brain, never to get answered.

But I'm hoping it's my brain's way of purging all the negativity that surrounded the relationship and then after.

In these dreams, he just shows up. Sometimes its in Kansas, other times its in Boston, or Orlando, or Austin, but most recently it's been in Whitefish. He talks to all of my friends. We see eachother, and it's like the first time we saw eachother. And then he turns around and leaves. I start asking my friends what he said and where he was going. No one answers me or acts like they don't know what I"m talking about. And then I wake up. Feelings all these things I thought I had overcome.

When I try to analyze it, all I can think is, "this is how he entered and exited your life. what happened during wasn't important."

But I want a better answer.

I want to forget...

I want to move on...

Throwing Myself a Pity Party

Thank GOD for vodka...and sonic's diet cherry limeade.

I honestly can't tell if I'm slightly tipsy or just extremely tired.... I vote for the former.

I typically like spending quality time by myself. I do. But lately, I've been yearning for some human relations...not romantic...just some pseudo meaningful conversation. That DOESN'T have to do with theatre. Don't get me wrong, I love my art, and others art but I'm sick of the same hum-drum A/B dialogue.

A: "I saw your show. I thought it was fantastic!"
B: "Thanks. It was a great process."
A: "Very cool. What's next for you?"
B: "Oh, this thing with xyz theatre, what about you? What are you working on?"

When I asked someone the other night, "what's new with you?", they started to tell me about their next project and I said, "no, no. what's new in your LIFE?" And this stumped the person.

I know that at times, theatre consumes us...it consumes me. But I'd like to have a life in addition to that. But than again, I'm home. Alone. By myself. On a friday night, thinking of ways to make my life more exciting.

Here's to getting wasted...alone. Cheers!

The Sound of Silence

I've been censoring myself again on here...

But my head is full of thoughts and I want to get out. I feel that this is the best way for me to explain what I'm thinking, so the next few posts might be disconnected, incomplete thoughts.

I truly have nothing to complain about in my life.

I'm feeling alone but not the sad kind of alone...it's difficult to explain. And it's not that I feel alone in the sense that I don't have someone to talk to, because I know I do. But I feel alone in the fact that I feel that no one will understand me. Ever.

I enjoy the sound of nothing. Sometimes I like to sit in a quiet house with nothing but the thoughts in my head swirling about. I've liked this for as long as I can remember. I remember being about 8 years old, just sitting in my room and my mother asking what I was doing, probably thinking that I was up to no good, and I replied, "thinking". She thought this was hilarious, and of course I had no idea what was so funny.

I don't have many memories of my childhood, they are more like clips from movies, almost dream like. The colors are too vibrant and the people aren't people that I remember. And mostly these "memories" only come when jogged by an object, a photo, a story one of my family members would tell.

And I wonder if all of these things are related. That in some way, my enjoyment of feeling alone, in silence, has something to do with my childhood and the fact that I can't remember these things.

Today I took a nap, and had awful dreams...which is strange, because I remember when I was laying down on the verge of sleepdom, thinking how happy I was in this moment. I'm wondering if at some point my brain tried to remember the last time I was this happy and it couldn't so it went to all the places that made me so unhappy. The failed relationships, the missed connections of friends, these memories that I could no longer remember.

So I sit here, in silence, with nothing but the sound of my thoughts and my fingers on the keys and I think, "life is good. you're alive. this is what happiness feels like."

And then I wonder if I'm destined to be alone forever...

Look at the MOON!

2.18.11

Tonight, as I drove back to my parents house, in small town KS, I had the windows down, with the heater on, the radio was cranked, and the full moon lit my way home. It's true, these are the things that I love about Kansas, but this visit has been so amazingly different. I'm happy.

There was only one moment when I felt that sad tug at my heart. When I traveled to where I went to undergrad to visit my old professors and to chat with the last generation of theatre students I know, and also where the boy who shattered my heart still resides. But that tug quickly surged into warmth when I saw the faces of my old friends light up as I walked into their office/shop/hangout. Part of me, yes, hoped that I had run into the boy. To just smile and thank him and tell him I forgive him.

As I bring my trip home to a close, I realize that this has been the best trip back, probably since I left in 2005. Although I didn't get to see as many people as I had hoped, those that I did see mean the world to me. Granted, I did make a few poor choices, it reminded me how alive I am!

To be continued...

3.1.11

The reason this trip was so special, is because I think I've finally figured out:
Who I am.
What I want to do.
Where I need to be.

I went home because my mom was having surgery. Though I hate to see her in pain, I wanted to be there to help with whatever needed to get done. While at home, I got to see my girlfriends from high school. These girls...ugh...are my safety net. We've had our differences, and have been through some shit, but at the end of it all, we are real, true friends. Before, when I would go home, it was difficult because I was the only single one. It was difficult because they "have a husband to get back to" or "can't make it, cause the little one is sick". And before, I felt left behind. I had none of these things and every time I would go home, I wished I had what they had...the grass is always greener, I thought. But this time, I was not only grateful for what I had, where I'd been, where I'm going; this time I loved seeing them grow into these roles as; wives, mothers, students, career minded women. I guess I'm settling into my role as "Auntie J, who lives far away. But loves you dearly".

On top of settling into myself, I'm settling into Austin quite nicely. After only 5 short months in this fabulous city, I have or am:
Designed 2 shows
Helped a friend with another
Currently wardrobing on a film (which is a crazy new world)
Currently stitching at Ballet Austin

In addition to all of the wonderful plans we have for Sustainable Theatre Project, I'm staying pretty busy!

I feel very alive and blessed and myself.