Last Day in Whitefish

My summer in Montana has been so eye opening. After the spring I endured, between the death of my grandparents, a major stupid break-up, and almost not graduating, I was literally about to give up. I'm writing this on the company lake house dock on Whitefish lake and it couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day to end this journey. This lake house is where the company, my new summer family, have spent every Sunday of the last 8 weeks, grilling, boating, drinking and laughing. And today I feel so very blessed to have taken a leap into a summer of firsts:

Never have I ever...

1. Moved to a different state without knowing anyone
2. Seen such breathtaking scenery
3. Lived on a mountain and, for a few days, shared my condo with a squirrel
4. Hiked to the top of a mountain...more than once
5. Stood in the mist of a waterfall on my birthday AND THEN had my friends throw me a lavish mexican fiesta in a power outage
6. Worked for and with people who are so passionate about their art and sees that passion in my eyes
7. Paid $3.50 for a Skyy and tonic w/two limes
8. Felt as young as I look
9. Been white-water rafting, tubing, zip-lining or wake-boarding
10. Driven to Seattle with a complete stranger, through a goat trail
11. Been so in love with myself or my work

Whitefish, MT the home of the Alpine Theatre Project and all of the people involved has definitely left a lasting impression on my heart. I know have a fresh outlook on life. This company took a chance on me based on the words of one man (who undoubtedly believes in me) and have no idea how they have changed my life.

I am so grateful to have passed by everyone of you on this journey. You all have reminded me of who I am and what I'm here for. Thank you. For believing in me when I was losing faith in everything and everyone. I hope that you will all stay a part of my life because you all are great.

Much love forever and always!!

Smoke Free Day 4!!

Yes, I'm quitting. For real this time. I always said that once I finish grad school I would. I don't even know why I started in the first place...ok, I do but that was a different life crisis. But really, I hate everything about it; I hate how it tastes, I hate how it smells, I hate how people like at me different when they find out I smoke(d)...the only thing I liked about it was 1) it was a way for me to be by myself because 2) none of my friends did it so 3) it was easy to meet new people.

So yeah, aside from all the health risk hibbity who business, I feel really guilty smoking in Montana. I feel like I'm polluting it fresh air and mountainous country side. And that's it. I told my mom and she asked, "How do you feel?!" as if 4 days would instantly make it easier for me to breath? But I think she was asking how I felt emotionally. Smoking was a crutch, I'll admit it. It was my escape, my time to overanalyze every detail about an issue or situation for 5 minutes.

In other news, I've made a new friend at the Safeway. It's the local supermarket, we were told to shop there by Betsi, the artist director of ATP because it has better lighting than the Super 1. She's correct AND they have a discount shopper card, which is alway very exciting. ANYWAYS...my new friend works in the produce section and I think his name might be Winston. He's older and loves to chat. I went shopping a couple of days ago and necturines were on sale for $.99/lb so I thought, 'ok, i can afford some fruit' and there was Winston, stocking the produce. He said hello, because that's his job I guess and I replied with, "Hi, how are you?" and that was the start of a budding friendship. "Very well, thank you for asking," he said, brightly, "Would you like me to slice one of the necturines open for you to taste?" I kid you not, he started looking for a good one for me to taste and then said, "well they all seem a little firm, take these home and put them in a paper sack (yes, he said sack) and let them ripen up a bit" Talk about hospitality, the man picked out my produce!! Then, today, as I was picking up a few items for roommate dinner, he found me picking out some green beans. I said hello, and then we had a very lovely conversation. Long story short, he loves that the theatre community has moved to flathead valley (that's what they call these parts of Montana). I feel like I should go everyday just so he can talk to someone who actually listens and responds.

But that's how people are here. Whitefish reminds me alot of where I grew up. And for those of you who don't know, Perry, KS...well, you aren't missing a whole heck of alot. Whitefish however has stop lights, and a gym and 2 grocery stores, etc. etc. But the community, the way everyone knows everyone is how it reminds me of "home". I can't imagine living here year round but this summer has been amazing!!! I feel as though I'm rambling so I'm going to leave it at that

Who am I? And where have I been?

So, this whole "sharing my feelings on the internet" has been kind of difficult. I don't know where to start or what to say. I'm constantly censoring myself for fear of...I don't know what. As of now I have 2 followers that are writing much more exciting and interesting things than I. It reminds me of the xanga days...yes, I had a xanga, actually HAVE a xanga. I logged and sure enough, the account is still active. I read a few old "blogs" for encouragement, to remind myself that I once had the gift of online journaling and to my surprise, I was pretty funny. What happened to me? Have I 'grown up' that much? It doesn't feel like it. I want to share the last entry I posted on the xanga...it's still relevant...kind of:

Friday, March 06, 2009
well...here it goes...

it's nearly 4:30am, i'm procrastinating, as usual...this time on big things, like a hat project due two days ago, a men's suit due last spring, and my thesis proposal due tomorrow...but i'm prepared. I've caught up on my tivo and i'm armed with a bottle of wine and i'm ready to work...kind of, as soon as i vent a little

i'm a little pissed due to a recent break-up of a short lived, long distance relationship i was in. it seemed pretty great, i mean as far as long distance goes, but for some reason, my other (we'll call him dick) decided that he was "so lonesome for me, that he just needed to be alone." what?! that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard. all this happened a week before he was scheduled to visit...hmmm. i just don't get it, and i guess i don't have to, but really, it's like breaking up with someone on a post-it note...

i'm drunk

So, yeah...I was pretty funny, quick-witted, may have stolen a Carrie Bradshaw line but....I was making light of a situation that was so totally out of my control (except for the school part) and it makes me sad. Sad because I've lost that confidence. Mind you, that was written over a year ago. Tons has happened since then that I could have been joking about but instead it just got harder. Harder to laugh and easier to cry. Harder to get up in the morning and easier to sleep days away.

I want my spunk back...but where did I leave it? Was it lost in gradschool where I was so miserable the only thing getting me through was rockstars and chex-mix? Or did it fall out of my pocket in Chicago, when it seemed as if my whole life turned up-side-down? I don't know...but, I have a feeling it will come back soon. Whitefish, Montana has helped me laugh again (usually on the inside) at myself. It has also made me cry, but not out of sadness, out of pure beauty and love for my art and the others that make theatre.

More on Whitefish soon...I have much to tell, but first I must find the old Jamie that wrote all those witty words on the xanga. bear with me