Who am I? And where have I been?

So, this whole "sharing my feelings on the internet" has been kind of difficult. I don't know where to start or what to say. I'm constantly censoring myself for fear of...I don't know what. As of now I have 2 followers that are writing much more exciting and interesting things than I. It reminds me of the xanga days...yes, I had a xanga, actually HAVE a xanga. I logged and sure enough, the account is still active. I read a few old "blogs" for encouragement, to remind myself that I once had the gift of online journaling and to my surprise, I was pretty funny. What happened to me? Have I 'grown up' that much? It doesn't feel like it. I want to share the last entry I posted on the xanga...it's still relevant...kind of:

Friday, March 06, 2009
well...here it goes...

it's nearly 4:30am, i'm procrastinating, as usual...this time on big things, like a hat project due two days ago, a men's suit due last spring, and my thesis proposal due tomorrow...but i'm prepared. I've caught up on my tivo and i'm armed with a bottle of wine and i'm ready to work...kind of, as soon as i vent a little

i'm a little pissed due to a recent break-up of a short lived, long distance relationship i was in. it seemed pretty great, i mean as far as long distance goes, but for some reason, my other (we'll call him dick) decided that he was "so lonesome for me, that he just needed to be alone." what?! that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard. all this happened a week before he was scheduled to visit...hmmm. i just don't get it, and i guess i don't have to, but really, it's like breaking up with someone on a post-it note...

i'm drunk

So, yeah...I was pretty funny, quick-witted, may have stolen a Carrie Bradshaw line but....I was making light of a situation that was so totally out of my control (except for the school part) and it makes me sad. Sad because I've lost that confidence. Mind you, that was written over a year ago. Tons has happened since then that I could have been joking about but instead it just got harder. Harder to laugh and easier to cry. Harder to get up in the morning and easier to sleep days away.

I want my spunk back...but where did I leave it? Was it lost in gradschool where I was so miserable the only thing getting me through was rockstars and chex-mix? Or did it fall out of my pocket in Chicago, when it seemed as if my whole life turned up-side-down? I don't know...but, I have a feeling it will come back soon. Whitefish, Montana has helped me laugh again (usually on the inside) at myself. It has also made me cry, but not out of sadness, out of pure beauty and love for my art and the others that make theatre.

More on Whitefish soon...I have much to tell, but first I must find the old Jamie that wrote all those witty words on the xanga. bear with me