Big Deals and Haircuts

Well, I need to be getting some work done but I felt the need to post a post...

I'm super insanely busy and I. LOVE. IT. I'm working for Ballet Austin, dressing the kiddos for the nutcracker. It's exhausting but really fun. Those little girls are a hoot! On each night there are about 22 Angels, 6 Mice, 24 Bon Bons and 8 Chinese...it gets a little crazy in that room, I must say.

I'm also designing a show called Humble Boy for Different Stages. It's a modern day Hamlet? It's been fun. The company is pretty laid back and seem to trust me, for some reason. I'm beginning to think that the MFA on my resume actually does mean something...

I'm designing another show, Flying, for Breaking Strings Theatre. The show is a North American Premiere and the playwright is coming...it's kind of a big deal. And I'm nervous...because I have that MFA on my resume...I've forgotten how much I love to collaborate with new people and share ideas, to create something so exciting for an audience!

Let's see...in the process of designing these shows and working at Ballet Austin, I've met so many awesome people! James Devery, who I met through the scenic designer of Flying, has basically changed my life. Not only by cutting off all my hair (which I LOVE) but introducing me to another fellow costume designer, Benjamin Taylor Ridgeway. He does AMAZING work and is styling the White Ghost Shivers for new years. They are opening for Cake AND...wait for it...the lead singer will be sporting a hat I made in grad school...this, is a pretty big deal!

I'm feeling so blessed to have met so many people in the past year, between Whitefish and Austin. It made all the negative feelings and thoughts I had in the first 5 months of 2010 almost disappear. So, for all of you that didn't support me, all I have to say is thank you, for pushing me into the lives of people that do.

Happy Holidays ya'll!!

A short update...

Well...

As most of you know, I've moved from the damn dudes. I instantly am 110% happier now. The energy in my new place is much more positive; my roommate, Cate, recycles...EVERYTHING! it's amazing how little waste we create when we sort everything out. We have a compost heap. We both like: to cook, theatre, coffee shops.

I'm designing 2 shows, both of which open in January. I'm nervous. I didn't realize how not confident I am in myself...but I'm working on that. I blame grad school.

I got a free acupuncture treatment to help me stop smoking. It was pretty interesting, AND I'm day 3 smoke free...Definitely something I'll do in the future, acupuncture, that is...not smoke (I hope).

I've also decided to run the Austin half marathon in February! I'm not prepared, yet...but working my way there slowly. I can no run 1 mile without stopping...today i will try to do 1.5 miles...

I'm nearly happy...

Tights aren't pants...

I'm sitting in a coffee shop, trying to read a script.
In walks a girl wearing tights as pants.
She's short, mildly fit, not really my cup of tea, but she turns heads...I envy her.
Her long, brown hair that's braided to one side, her confidence to wear tights as pants, even though I can see her dimpled ass through the tights as pants because the sweater she's sporting shows off her less than tight tummy.
She sits with the dreamy barista, outside, sucking on her pall mall, sipping her coffee; as I sit alone, inside, reading my script and sipping my now cold coffee

costumes, fleas, homesick disease

I recently booked a job at Ballet Austin. Exciting stuff, I'll be dressing 44 6-16 year olds for the Nutcraker for the month of December. I applied to a local store, Lucy in Disguise, a costume house. It was a cattle call of sorts for their busiest month, October. I stood in a line for about 30 minutes until I worked my way to the front of the line for an interview lasting all of 7 minutes. While in said line, I was surrounded by dorks. Not your run of the mill dorks, the kind that dress up for things other than theatrical productions and halloween. The kind that live and breathe comic books. I was embarrassed to say the least. During my interview, I was annoyed. To have stood in a line with such nerds, holding my resume that states I have a masters in costume design and production, and then to be asked what I dressed as for halloween last year. Which I responded, "I didn't, my grandfather died." Awesome, right? I later received a recorded message saying they wouldn't be needing me because there were more people that interviewed who had more costume experience than me...?????

In other news...I'm living with fleas, literally. Yet another reason I will be moving out at the end of October. I even passed fleas to my friends...thats embarrassing AND disgusting. The damn dude is shaping up to be quite the douche bag. In the last, what, 3 weeks, he has;
-wired 200$ to the Philippines for god knows what reasons
-asked me to move my art out of the shared living space
-moved my things, without asking first
-locked me out of the house.
I know what you are all thinking, and yes, I've learned a very valuable lesson. But we all need an adventure right?

Which brings me to my latest conundrum, I'm homesick. But, upon further analysis and much thought, I've realized, I don't have a home. There are things that I miss about every place I've lived.
I miss Kansas because I miss my family and friends.
I miss Boston because I miss my friends and the sleepless nights that were never spent alone. I miss the stale air of the costume shop and smoking on the fire escape. I miss the public transit and my therapist.
I miss Chicago because I miss having a mindless job and people that would drink with me until 4 in the morning and then go to breakfast with me. I miss the crisp air and the walk to the bus stop.
I miss Whitefish because I miss the clean air. I miss that there was always something to do and someone to talk to.
I miss Orlando because I miss...well....
But I wouldn't consider any of these places home...I don't know.

I've been having a really hard time as of late, looking to the future. Instead, I keep thinking where I was a year ago, and the year before that, and how I've experienced so much. Yet, I keep dwelling, but not in a regret sort of way....I keep thinking of how things could be different or maybe not at all. I have just never been able to look into the future, to plan out my life events. I've never been able to say, "In ten years I see myself with x, y and z." I'm just living life, planning what little I know and just letting the rest happen, all the while thinking of the events in my past that have brought me to where I am today...

That said, it's time for bed

Yellow lighters, miles. Boxes and dudes

What a freaking crazy week!

While I was in Ks, I was asked to write about my "yellow lighter theory" on life...It went something like, "add a sentence, pass it on"...I know, right?! I wish I could remember said theory, I'm sure I could live by it now if I could grasp what my drunken, drug induced self meant so many years ago. If it comes to me, I'll be sure to post again.

I lured my dear dear friend Matty P to help me drive to Austin...it was work. Loading the truck, driving straight through, arriving to Austin w/out a key to my new place, driving around aimlessly to kill time...good grief. I'm not sure if any of you know, but I found my roommate/house on craigslist. I found the listing while in Montana and what caught my eye was the dudes description of himself, "I"m just a damn dude, who likes to watch sports, fish, and drink beer." I thought that even if I didn't get a roommate out of the situation, that I wanted to meet this guy...so I did, and I'm now living with him. Boy, is he just that...a damn dude.

I imagine that this will be very short lived...he'll either get sick of me and kick me out or I'll go ape shit on him and leave. That's the beauty, I suppose, about this living situation is that I DIDN'T SIGN A LEASE!
-He has asked me 3 time already, what I was going to do with the boxes in the living room...I've been here 3 days, AND I told him it would take me a while to figure out where I was going to store my life in the tiny room I'm now renting for 585$ a month.
-He also didn't have a key made for me until yesterday (Sunday) even though he's known I was moving in for more than a month, paid rent AND he cashed my check.
-He also has sports radio on 24/7...and not quietly AND leaves it on when he's not home.
-He doesn't have cable but told me I couldn't put my TV in the living room because he's 'planning' on getting a plasma.
-He doesn't have a car...
-He drinks fatty natty's
-He can not hold a conversation of any sorts
-He goes to bed late, and wakes up late

There you go, Matty. My first blog about the damn dude...I'm sure there will be more to come

Just to Clarify...

I think Kansas is a great place to grow up and to raise a family. I just don't have one so, this is not where I belong right now.

That is all...

Love/Hate for Kansas

I've been avoiding posting anything since I first arrived in Kansas on Aug 24th, because I don't know where to start.

As I drove from Montana to Texas, I had a lot of time to reflect. I looked at the road ahead of me and at times, it seemed so familiar, as if I had taken this path before. Almost deja vu like. As I looked in my rear-view mirror, I was reminded of how I got here, of who I once was, and tried to piece my life together. I don't know if you know this but the drive from Whitefish to Austin is 33 hours not counting the stop time. That is a lot of time to be with yourself overanalyzing every point in your life. Most of you don't know I spent the first 4.5 months of 2010 in therapy...I'll hopefully get to all of this... eventually.

The drive of Texas to Kansas was the opposite...it was a road I had traveled. When I crossed over the state line, I felt my chest tighten, a wash of emotion pour over me. That hot feeling I get under my skin when I start to panic, was mixed with the excessive wetness in my mouth right before I throw up. I was instantly terrified. Of who I would see while I was back and what we would have to talk about. I began imagining myself having that awkward conversation and actually practicing my dialogue, my expressions and reactions, my fake smile. I was grateful that while I was here in June that I didn't have to endure this feeling. I was home literally long enough to pick up my car and go to the dentist. But this time, these couple of weeks, was enough time for people to hear that I was back and for me to have to make plans. Enough time to remind me what I loved about it and why I wanted to leave in the first place 5 short years ago...

What I love about KS:
- being able to lay in my parents driveway and see every star the sky has to offer
- the smell of the sweet corn when it's damp with dew at dusk
- driving my car with the heater on and the windows down and the music up
- the sound of the locusts and crickets in the distance
- the moon being full and its ability to cast shadows it's so bright
- seeing my family and realizing that just because i'm home doesn't change their plans

What I hate:
- the anxious feeling i stated above
- the amount of bad memories i have that seem to resurface every time i come back
- people driving by my parents house or stopping by because they realize i'm home, AND THEN, driving to the gas station/post office/grocery store to spread the scoop
- feeling like I'm a failure because I don't come home with a baby or a boyfriend
- feeling so alone all the time because i'm the only one still single and nearly 30
- making my parents feel terrible while they watch me be miserable
- that this doesn't feel like home anymore

So that's it...Kansas puts me in a funk, every time I'm back and it seems to be getting worse the older i get and longer i'm here

Last Day in Whitefish

My summer in Montana has been so eye opening. After the spring I endured, between the death of my grandparents, a major stupid break-up, and almost not graduating, I was literally about to give up. I'm writing this on the company lake house dock on Whitefish lake and it couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day to end this journey. This lake house is where the company, my new summer family, have spent every Sunday of the last 8 weeks, grilling, boating, drinking and laughing. And today I feel so very blessed to have taken a leap into a summer of firsts:

Never have I ever...

1. Moved to a different state without knowing anyone
2. Seen such breathtaking scenery
3. Lived on a mountain and, for a few days, shared my condo with a squirrel
4. Hiked to the top of a mountain...more than once
5. Stood in the mist of a waterfall on my birthday AND THEN had my friends throw me a lavish mexican fiesta in a power outage
6. Worked for and with people who are so passionate about their art and sees that passion in my eyes
7. Paid $3.50 for a Skyy and tonic w/two limes
8. Felt as young as I look
9. Been white-water rafting, tubing, zip-lining or wake-boarding
10. Driven to Seattle with a complete stranger, through a goat trail
11. Been so in love with myself or my work

Whitefish, MT the home of the Alpine Theatre Project and all of the people involved has definitely left a lasting impression on my heart. I know have a fresh outlook on life. This company took a chance on me based on the words of one man (who undoubtedly believes in me) and have no idea how they have changed my life.

I am so grateful to have passed by everyone of you on this journey. You all have reminded me of who I am and what I'm here for. Thank you. For believing in me when I was losing faith in everything and everyone. I hope that you will all stay a part of my life because you all are great.

Much love forever and always!!

Smoke Free Day 4!!

Yes, I'm quitting. For real this time. I always said that once I finish grad school I would. I don't even know why I started in the first place...ok, I do but that was a different life crisis. But really, I hate everything about it; I hate how it tastes, I hate how it smells, I hate how people like at me different when they find out I smoke(d)...the only thing I liked about it was 1) it was a way for me to be by myself because 2) none of my friends did it so 3) it was easy to meet new people.

So yeah, aside from all the health risk hibbity who business, I feel really guilty smoking in Montana. I feel like I'm polluting it fresh air and mountainous country side. And that's it. I told my mom and she asked, "How do you feel?!" as if 4 days would instantly make it easier for me to breath? But I think she was asking how I felt emotionally. Smoking was a crutch, I'll admit it. It was my escape, my time to overanalyze every detail about an issue or situation for 5 minutes.

In other news, I've made a new friend at the Safeway. It's the local supermarket, we were told to shop there by Betsi, the artist director of ATP because it has better lighting than the Super 1. She's correct AND they have a discount shopper card, which is alway very exciting. ANYWAYS...my new friend works in the produce section and I think his name might be Winston. He's older and loves to chat. I went shopping a couple of days ago and necturines were on sale for $.99/lb so I thought, 'ok, i can afford some fruit' and there was Winston, stocking the produce. He said hello, because that's his job I guess and I replied with, "Hi, how are you?" and that was the start of a budding friendship. "Very well, thank you for asking," he said, brightly, "Would you like me to slice one of the necturines open for you to taste?" I kid you not, he started looking for a good one for me to taste and then said, "well they all seem a little firm, take these home and put them in a paper sack (yes, he said sack) and let them ripen up a bit" Talk about hospitality, the man picked out my produce!! Then, today, as I was picking up a few items for roommate dinner, he found me picking out some green beans. I said hello, and then we had a very lovely conversation. Long story short, he loves that the theatre community has moved to flathead valley (that's what they call these parts of Montana). I feel like I should go everyday just so he can talk to someone who actually listens and responds.

But that's how people are here. Whitefish reminds me alot of where I grew up. And for those of you who don't know, Perry, KS...well, you aren't missing a whole heck of alot. Whitefish however has stop lights, and a gym and 2 grocery stores, etc. etc. But the community, the way everyone knows everyone is how it reminds me of "home". I can't imagine living here year round but this summer has been amazing!!! I feel as though I'm rambling so I'm going to leave it at that

Who am I? And where have I been?

So, this whole "sharing my feelings on the internet" has been kind of difficult. I don't know where to start or what to say. I'm constantly censoring myself for fear of...I don't know what. As of now I have 2 followers that are writing much more exciting and interesting things than I. It reminds me of the xanga days...yes, I had a xanga, actually HAVE a xanga. I logged and sure enough, the account is still active. I read a few old "blogs" for encouragement, to remind myself that I once had the gift of online journaling and to my surprise, I was pretty funny. What happened to me? Have I 'grown up' that much? It doesn't feel like it. I want to share the last entry I posted on the xanga...it's still relevant...kind of:

Friday, March 06, 2009
well...here it goes...

it's nearly 4:30am, i'm procrastinating, as usual...this time on big things, like a hat project due two days ago, a men's suit due last spring, and my thesis proposal due tomorrow...but i'm prepared. I've caught up on my tivo and i'm armed with a bottle of wine and i'm ready to work...kind of, as soon as i vent a little

i'm a little pissed due to a recent break-up of a short lived, long distance relationship i was in. it seemed pretty great, i mean as far as long distance goes, but for some reason, my other (we'll call him dick) decided that he was "so lonesome for me, that he just needed to be alone." what?! that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard. all this happened a week before he was scheduled to visit...hmmm. i just don't get it, and i guess i don't have to, but really, it's like breaking up with someone on a post-it note...

i'm drunk

So, yeah...I was pretty funny, quick-witted, may have stolen a Carrie Bradshaw line but....I was making light of a situation that was so totally out of my control (except for the school part) and it makes me sad. Sad because I've lost that confidence. Mind you, that was written over a year ago. Tons has happened since then that I could have been joking about but instead it just got harder. Harder to laugh and easier to cry. Harder to get up in the morning and easier to sleep days away.

I want my spunk back...but where did I leave it? Was it lost in gradschool where I was so miserable the only thing getting me through was rockstars and chex-mix? Or did it fall out of my pocket in Chicago, when it seemed as if my whole life turned up-side-down? I don't know...but, I have a feeling it will come back soon. Whitefish, Montana has helped me laugh again (usually on the inside) at myself. It has also made me cry, but not out of sadness, out of pure beauty and love for my art and the others that make theatre.

More on Whitefish soon...I have much to tell, but first I must find the old Jamie that wrote all those witty words on the xanga. bear with me

Inspired and Motivated

My mother gave me a notebook before I left on my journey to a new life in the mountains and she said, "you should start writing again this summer." And she was right, I should document my travels, the life that so many of my friends won't get to experience. I've jotted some things down, feelings, descriptions of my adventures in this notebook, knowing that it's contents would be for my eyes only, that I wouldn't have to share it with anyone, it could be my reminder of where I am and who I'm becoming.

And while conversing with a friend yesterday on the facebook, I was asked if I was blogging. I had thought of starting one but, the word blog annoys me for some reason, I don't understand why anyone would call online journaling "blogging". Anyways, I read a few of my friends blogs daily (or when they post something new anyways) and decided that I'm ready, to share my random thoughts, questions, and scenarios with my friends who, at this point, are all over the country.

So, here's the start of a new journey, for me to document and you to read...it probably won't be too exciting, it might get emotional but it will be me.